While I Was Teaching A Workshop On Relationships …

 A couple of years ago while I was teaching a workshop on relationships, I asked the group to complete an exercise to share how they washed dishes in their homes. One of the younger couples said that they washed the dishes as soon as they finished eating. The husband added that his mom never used the dishwasher because she felt that it wouldn’t clean the dishes thoroughly, so, he washed dishes by hand when he was living on his own and later when he got married.

His wife was accustomed to piling all the dishes in the sink until someone found time to either wash them by hand or put them in the dishwasher. This situation, although a minor thing, caused friction between them and frequently resulted in some intense arguments. When they both shared their reasons for doing what they did, they both confirmed that they were only doing what they had seen their parents do.

Another woman shared a dislike for using the dishwasher because it reminded her of packing and unpacking a suitcase. She preferred to hand wash everything before going to bed each night because thinking about dirty dishes would create anxiety for her and she wouldn’t be able to have a good night’s rest. On the other hand, her husband didn’t mind leaving the dishes in the sink until the next morning when he wasn’t tired and felt rejuvenated enough to wash them and put them away. The wife remembered her childhood and the way her perfectionist mom worried if the house was not spick-and-span. Conversely, the husband was brought up feeling that it was okay to leave everything in the sink to be washed the next morning, since in his mind, the dishes weren’t going anywhere!

In another case, a man expected his wife to have a career in addition to being a full-time wife, mother, cook, cleaner, and caretaker, which included chauffeuring her kids to and from school and coordinating all their extra-curricular activities following her eight-hour work day. His argument was that in the olden days, his mom worked with his dad all day and took care of five children. He neglected to mention that his grandparents were taking care of him and his siblings while his mom was away at work along with the children’s after-school events that consisted of playing ball on the streets or having play dates with neighbors and cousins.

His argument was that in the United States, today, the roles of men and women are very different from the way they were when he was growing up. These opposite mentalities had always caused conflicts between the couple. They lacked understanding and compassion and the husband seemed unwilling to help his wife with any housework.

The wife was raised with housekeepers and drivers for most of her childhood and enjoyed skiing, playing tennis and piano, ice-skating, etc., while her parents worked and made themselves available to drive her around and meet all of her needs.

A recent survey reported that the number one reason couples drift apart is, not surprisingly, poor communication according to an article in the The Huffington Post, November 2013. It stated that 70 percent of men reported that nagging and complaining are their top communication problems in marriage, whereas 83 percent of women argued that their spouses didn’t value their opinions or feelings enough.